Lemony Squickets: A Series of Unfortunate Attempts
by alphadork
Summary: Edward and Bella make love for the first time. Things don t quite go as planned. AU-Human
1. The interCourse of True Love

**I own nothing recognizable. This story is already up at Twilighted. I`m working on a new story called Undercover Blue. It`s not nearly as funny as this one, but it`s got Copward. Props to William Shakespeare for inspiring the title of this chapter, which is BPOV.  
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Edward and I had met in our junior year of high school. We started out as friends, but by the time our senior year began we were in love. We had a passionately chaste relationship. It was frustrating and exhilarating all at the same time.

We ended up getting into the same college. Edward's parents bought a small house close to campus for Edward and his twin sister Alice to share. It only took me two weeks of living in dorm hell to swallow my pride and accept Edward's offer to move in. Charlie wasn't too thrilled at first, but Alice managed to win him over. I only hoped she didn't have to sell her soul to accomplish the task.

The only catch to me moving in was that Edward and I still hadn't done iit/i yet. I was more than willing, but Edward wanted to make sure we weren't rushing into anything. It took a lot of puppy dog eyes and two 'accidental' boobie flashes to convince Edward that the time was right.

We set the date for the Thanksgiving long weekend. Alice was going to spend Thanksgiving with her boyfriend Jasper's family in Texas. Edward and I both begged off going home saying we had papers to write and exams to study for.

V Day dawned bright and early for me. I woke up full of energy. Edward snored while I blazed through the house cleaning everything in sight. He rolled out of bed just in time to catch me doing a horribly uncoordinated booty dance to the music blasting out of my iPod earphones as I swept the kitchen floor.

Edward spent the day at the library working on a paper while I stayed home to prepare. I put fresh sheets on our bed and placed candles around the room to provide us with soft lighting when the time came. I hid a demure but sexy satin nightgown in the bathroom so I could 'slip into something a little more comfortable' when it was time to get down to business.

My day started going downhill when I stepped into the shower and promptly slipped, banging my head painfully against the wall. When the stars finally cleared from my vision I grabbed my razor. I was almost finished shaving my legs when the razor slipped in my hand and sliced across my kneecap. I held my open shampoo bottle under my nose to keep myself from smelling the blood as I tried to staunch the flow.

I was beginning to worry that I'd nicked an artery and would therefore die a virgin when I was still bleeding half an hour later. I called Edward home to help me out. He arrived to find me shivering under a towel, bleeding onto the freshly changed bedding.

"Bella, this cut is really deep. I think you may need stitches," Edward said as he looked it over. "I'm taking you to the hospital."

Two hours, five stitches and a change of bedding later Edward was trying to convince me that we should put off our plans for the evening. I was having none of that.

"Edward, I injure myself on a daily basis. If we got air miles every time I ended up in the ER we would be able to fly to Paris every weekend for dinner. I am not waiting for a day when I haven't injured myself for us to make love. I don't want to die a virgin!"

Edward finally agreed to sex me up on the condition that he could take me out to dinner first so I could replace the electrolytes I'd lost haemorrhaging in the shower. Sometimes dating a premed student could be really annoying.

Dinner seemed to fly by and before I knew it, Edward and I were standing next to our bed looking anywhere but at one another. It was the first time since we'd met that I felt awkward around him.

I took a deep breath and turned to Edward.

"Um, I need a female moment before we get started," I whispered. "How about you light the candles?"

Edward agreed and I made my way to the bathroom. I quickly changed into the nightgown I'd hidden earlier and brushed my teeth. I had to take a couple of deep breaths to steady myself before I opened the door.

Edward was sitting on the edge of the bed waiting for me. He looked up at me and gasped. He was at my side in an instant, sweeping me up into his arms.

"You are so beautiful," he breathed, bringing his lips to mine.

I shivered in anticipation as he laid me gently on the bed, our lips still enmeshed. His tongue met mine as he brought his hands up to cup my breasts. I moaned into his mouth when he gently skimmed his fingers over my nipples.

We continued to kiss as we undressed one another. Edward's eyes filled with love and passion as he looked over my naked body for the first time.

My eyes filled with doubt and trepidation as I looked over his naked body for the first time. His engorged member was standing proudly at attention, and it was huge. I was no physics major, but I was pretty sure there was no way his penis was going to fit inside me.

Edward saw the look in my eyes and kissed me tenderly.

"Don't worry love. We'll take it slow. It'll hurt at first, but I promise it will only get better," he soothed.

He lowered his mouth to tease one of my nipples and I completely forgot what I'd been so worried about only moments before. Edward began to trace light circles around my clit with his finger and my hips arched off the bed at the new and wonderful sensation.

Everything was beautiful until Edward eased a finger into my tight passage. It was really uncomfortable.

I still hadn't gained a degree in physics since my last moment of panic, but I started to doubt my body's ability to accommodate Edward's body again. Logically speaking, IF finger in vagina = discomfort AND penis is much larger than finger THEN penis in vagina = pain so crippling I'd never walk again.

Edward started stroking my clit with his thumb as he used first one finger and then two to stretch me in preparation for Operation Insert Penis Into Vagina.

"Are you ready Bella?" he asked, looking deep into my eyes as he positioned himself at my entrance.

I nodded and bit my lip, gripping the sheets in preparation for the pain I was sure I was about to experience. He slid the tip of his cock into me and I screamed.

"Holy fuck, get it out, get it out, get it out!"

Unfortunately, I startled Edward with my shrieks and he ended up impaling me further. I started pounding on his shoulders, frantic to stop the invasion of my lady parts.

"Bella," he ground out between his tightly clenched teeth. "You need to relax. I can't get it in or out with you clenched so tight. Take some deep breaths. Count to ten. Visualize fluffy kittens frolicking on a warm beach. Anything. Just for the love of all that is holy you need to relax before you squeeze my dick right off!"

I took several deep breaths. I counted to ten. I visualized fluffy kittens frolicking with adorable puppies on a pristine beach. Nothing could distract me from the mammoth penis I was certain was maiming me for life.

"It's not working Edward. The fluffy kittens can't distract me from the fact that I am being torn in two by your behemoth cock!"

Edward was shaking and panting at this point. His eyes were closed and his fingers were digging into my hips. He bit down on my breast and the surprise of it distracted me enough for him to quickly pull his dick out of the stranglehold I had been holding it in.

We lay next to one another, not talking or touching for what seemed like a long time.

"Edward?" I questioned.

"Yes Bella?"

"What are you thinking?"

"Well love, I'm thinking of taking a cold shower before my penis falls off," he replied.

I risked a glance down at his cock. It was purple and pulsing. I looked like it was mad at me. Edward was shaking and sweating. I felt really, really bad. I wanted to make it up to him.

Without giving him any warning I straddled his knees and gently gave his cock a squeeze. I looked up at his face. His eyes were rolling back in his head and he was making unintelligible groans. I shrugged and took this to be a good sign.

I hesitantly leaned in and licked around the head of his penis. I pulled back and blew cold air over where I'd just licked. Edward grabbed the wooden headboard of our bed. I heard it crack ominously as I stroked my hand up and down experimentally. I couldn't even fit my hand around the girth of him.

Without warning he let out the loudest, "Fuck!" I've ever heard. I'm pretty sure the neighbours down the street heard it too. I was really glad Alice wasn't home.

I looked up at his face and clenched his cock in my hands. By the time my brain registered what was happening it was too late. Thick ropes of semen were shooting out at me. One caught me right in the eye. The curse I let out was even louder than Edward's. I think poor Alice may have even heard it in Texas.

"Shit, it's in my eye! It fucking burns Edward!"

Edward scooped me up into his arms and clumsily hurried me into the bathroom. I frantically started rifling through the medicine cabinet, my eye burning and watering.

"What are you looking for Bella?"

"I'm looking for eye drops. I need to get your spunk out of my eye before my sight is permanently damaged. I don't want to end up with an eye patch. I'd have to get a parrot and you know I hate birds! Those nasty motherfuckers do nothing but shit and try to peck out your eyes."

Edward just shook his head as he started the shower. He gently guided my head under the spray to rinse my eye before speaking.

"Bella, first of all, sperm will not make you go blind. Second, despite their convincing ad campaign, Visine does not make an eye drop for that. Third, I think you would make a sexy pirate. Last, I love you very much and I'm sorry I came in your eye."

I was slightly mollified by his apology and the fact that the water was making my eye feel better.

"Yeah, well you need to warn me next time," I grumbled. "Either that or we need to install an emergency eyewash station in our bedroom."

I tried to scowl at Edward, but I ended up giggling instead at the absurd turn our evening had taken. Edward began to laugh too. I was still laughing when Edward finished shampooing his cum out of my hair.

I pulled Edward close as I calmed somewhat and kissed him affectionately. He dried us off and then tucked us under the covers. We held each other close as we fell into an exhausted slumber.

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**FYI: Don`t get jizz in your eye. It really fucking hurts!**


	2. Too Drunk To Fuck

**I still own nothing.**

**This chapter is EPOV and the title was inspired by the Dead Kennedys song of the same name. I heart that song.  
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Last night was a catastrophe. Bella and I had tried to make love for the first time with less than stellar results. I don't know which was worse: Bella trying to sever my member with her pelvic muscles or me nearly blinding her when I came in her eye. I think if had been any worse CNN would have dispatched Anderson Cooper to cover the disaster.

This morning didn't go any smoother.

I woke up naked, snuggled up to an equally naked Bella. I smiled at the comfortable sensation of skin on skin until I realized my hand had somehow ended up on a very naked Bella breast. I quickly let go and rolled over onto my back.

Bella frowned in her sleep and rolled over. Very hard. Her knee made a very solid impact with my morning salute to happy dreams.

I'm not sure who yelled louder. I whimpered and cupped my injured bits while Bella hissed holding her injured knee. It seemed she had hit me with the kneecap that had to be stitched up yesterday.

"Edward?"

"Yes?" I squeaked out in a less than masculine voice.

"Can you check to see if my knee is bleeding? I don't want to ruin another set of sheets."

It took me a moment to regain the ability to sit upright. Sure enough, Bella's knee was bleeding. Luckily the stitches seemed to be holding up so we wouldn't have to make a repeat trip to the ER.

I limped my way to the bathroom to shower while Bella made us some breakfast. We couldn't meet each other's eyes across the table as we ate in complete silence. I ate so fast I was sure to have indigestion, but I needed to escape. I told Bella I was headed to the library to finish my paper and that I'd be home in time for dinner.

I slouched into a study carroll and promptly fell asleep on top of my textbooks.

I woke up to the buzzing of my cell phone. It was a text message from Bella: "Sorry about last night. And this morning. Love you."

I smiled and sent back a reply: "Someday we will laugh about this. Love you too."

It didn't take long for her to respond: "Are your dangly bits up to trying again tonight?"

I quickly sent her a text letting her know that my manly parts were very much looking forward to becoming more intimately acquainted with her womanly parts. After all I reasoned to myself; it certainly couldn't be any worse than last night, could it?

I think I may have jinxed us.

I returned home from the library in time to hear the smoke detector cry out in alarm. I quickly ran to the source of the smoke that was quickly filling our small home: the kitchen.

Bella had the fire extinguisher wedged between her legs. She was trying to pull the pin out with one hand. Her other hand was clutching a nearly empty bottle of Patron. She did not seem at all concerned about the flames shooting up from the frying pan on the stove.

I quickly put a lid on the pan to smother the flames. I was searching through the drawers to find an oven mitt so that I could take the pan off the stove when I heard Bella let out a triumphant, "Ha!" from the other side of the room.

I turned around just in time to watch in horror as Bella unleashed the fire extinguisher over the previously extinguished fire. She giggled and dropped the fire extinguisher, narrowly missing her toes.

"Take that you flaming son of a bitch!" she yelled at our chemical covered stove.

She actually broke into a victory dance worthy of an NFL quarterback scoring the winning touchdown at the Superbowl. I was frozen in shock.

Bella returned her attention to the now empty bottle of Patron she had left on our kitchen table. She peered into the neck of the bottle as if she were studying a specimen under a microscope. She then held the bottle up to her ear and shook it.

"Bella?" I asked tentatively. "What's going on here?"

"Edward, you're home!" she yelled, launching herself across the room at me. She cracked the back of my skull with the empty bottle as she threw her arms around me.

I closed my eyes and counted to 10. I was clearly out of my depth and would need all of my focus to be able to escape from the alternate reality I had suddenly found myself trapped in. I carried Bella over to the kitchen table and sat her on my lap.

"Bella, what on earth possessed you to drink an entire bottle of Patron?"

"Alice."

"Huh?" was as eloquent a reply as my poor brain could come up with at that point.

"Alice told me to have a drink. And the bottle was already half empty when I got to it, so I didn't drink the whole thing. I wanted to be able to relax so I could fit you inside me this time. The first couple of drinks didn't make me relax so I had some more. I'm feeling really relaxed; can we fuck now?"

My mouth hung open in shock at her slightly slurred speech. Bella took the opportunity to start planting sloppy open mouthed kisses all over my face. I didn't react to her drunken attack until she grabbed my cock.

For the second time in one day I let out a very unmanly shriek. I stood up quickly, dropping Bella to the floor in my haste. She just giggled and started to take off her shirt as she staggered back to her feet.

"Stop trying to take your clothes off," I commanded. My head was really starting to hurt.

Bella had neglected to undo the buttons before trying to pull her shirt over her head. The collar got stuck and wouldn't go over her head. She was quite the sight, one eye poking out from under her collar, one arm trapped over her head by her sleeve. I couldn't contain my laughter as she spun in circles trying to free herself from her polyblend prison.

I caught Bella as she tipped over and helped her fix her shirt. I held her close and contemplated how I was going to get my drunken girlfriend into bed so she could sleep it off. Bella helped when she wrapped her legs around my waist and rested her head on my shoulder.

We were very nearly in our bedroom when I heard a very bad sound. Even if I live to be 100 I will never forget how utterly violated I felt when Bella threw up down the back of my shirt.

I somehow managed to get Bella to brush her teeth before tucking her into our bed. She was snoring before her head hit the pillow.

It took me a couple of hours to clean up the house and myself. I placed two asprin and a bottle of water on Bella's nightstand before climbing into bed with her. I knew she would need them in the morning.

I gently ran my fingers over Bella's face as I reflected back on how our lives had been turned upside-down over the last 24 hours. Despite the disasters worthy of a celebrity telethon I still loved and wanted this woman passed out by my side.

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**I promise things will get better for Edward and his poor dangly bits.**

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	3. Fuck Her Gently

**I own nothing you recognize.**

**This chapter is BPOV and the title was inspired by the awesome Tenacious D song, `Fuck Her Gently`.**

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'Fuck!' was my first thought upon waking this morning. My head really fucking hurt and something may have died in my mouth. What the fuck happened last night?

I hazily remember calling Alice for womanly advice yesterday afternoon. Truthfully it was kind of awkward talking to Edward's sister about our failed attempt at making with the sexing. However Alice was the only close female friend I had, so I'd bitten the bullet and managed to choke out the whole sordid tale.

"Bella," she'd said. "It always hurts the first time. Jasper and I had to stop and regroup the first time too. What happened was completely normal and it's nothing to be ashamed about."

"Did you nearly decapitate Little Jasper with your pelvic muscles? I swear if I'd known that would happen I would have laid off on the Kegel exercises. It was a fucking disaster Alice! What if Edward is too afraid to try again? What if we try again and I manage to actually sever his penis this time? Do you think they'd be able to stitch it back on? Alice, are you laughing at me?!"

Okay, so maybe I was a little hysterical but Alice could have been more supportive. When Alice managed to calm down enough to talk she reassured me that it was medically impossible for me to turn Edward into a eunuch with my vajayjay. She recommended having a nice glass of wine with dinner to help calm my nerves before attempting round two.

With Alice's reassurances bolstering my confidence I texted Edward to apologize for last night's debacle and ask him if he felt up to round two tonight. He replied that he was ready and willing, so I decided to make him a nice dinner.

I remember looking through the kitchen for a bottle of wine. I managed to find one in the back of our pantry. I pulled it out and turned to retrieve a glass when I tripped over my own feet. The bottle and I both went down and of course the bottle smashed, spilling wine all over the floor.

After cleaning up the mess on the floor without cutting myself (yay me!) it was time to regroup. I briefly considered raiding the pharmacy I had in my bathroom to see if I had any muscle relaxers left over from the time I pinched a nerve in my neck while sleeping. Seriously, how many people do you know that can injure themselves in an inert state? I am one talented lady. Then I remembered how loopy they made me and decided against it.

As I pondered my other options, I rummaged through the freezer to find the ingredients to make a nice, romantic dinner. I decided against both the hot dogs and the meatballs. No sense reminding Edward about the injury I'd caused his hot dog the night before and the damaged inflicted on his meatballs this morning.

I was pulling out some pork chops when my hand brushed against a half empty bottle of Patron. Alice had made us a couple of pitchers of margaritas to liven up the boredom of handing out candy to the neighbourhood kids on Hallowe'en.

I grabbed a shotglass and downed the first shot. It burned the fuck out of my throat and cleared my sinuses at the same time. I downed another before beginning my dinner preparations.

I was still feeling tense and nervous by the time I'd finished making a marinade for the pork chops and peeling the potatoes. I decided to have a third and fourth drink.

By the time I had the table set and the pork chops were sizzling on the stove I was angry and nervous. What the fuck was wrong with this tequila? I'd thrown back four shots and I was still nervous. Does tequila go bad? I remember deciding to send down another two shots to see why the hell the first four weren't doing their job properly...and then nothing. Everything was blank up until I woke this morning, fully clothed, my head pounding.

I managed to peel one eye open enough to determine that Edward was not sleeping next to me. I also noticed the aspirin and water on the night table, along with what appeared to be a note from Edward. I gratefully swallowed the pills and made a beeline for the bathroom. Tequila + sleep = waking up with an uncomfortably full bladder.

I stumbled my way back to bed to read Edward's note.

i"Dear Bella,

I had to run out to pick up a few things. I hope to be back before you wake up.

Love,

Edward"/i

I was contemplating getting a shower when I heard Edward come home. I opted for hiding under the blankets instead. I may not remember what happened last night, but I had the feeling it wasn't my finest hour.

I felt Edward's weight shift the mattress as he sat down next to me. I could also smell waffles and strawberries. Damn him for knowing my weakness for breakfast pastries! I pulled the blanket down to sneak a peek. Edward was of course looking at me with a mixture of concern and amusement.

"Good morning sailor. Do you have any idea how loud you snore when you're drunk? How's your head feeling this morning?" Edward asked, offering me a bite of waffle.

I sat up and moaned with pleasure as I took the offered bite.

"My head feels alright. Thanks for the aspirin. What happened last night?"

Edward chuckled and offered me more food before replying.

"You got drunk and tried to seduce me. I arrived home from the library in time to prevent the house from burning down."

I blushed and looked down. Edward leaned forward to place a tender kiss on my forehead.

"Don't worry love," he said. "Nothing too bad happened. But maybe we should just make today about relaxing instead of pressuring ourselves to try again. I figured we could start out with a movie and breakfast in bed."

"Sounds good to me," I replied.

Edward handed me the takeout container full of waffles and fruit and pulled several DVDs out of one of the bags he had placed on the floor next to our bed. They were all Kevin Smith films, a favourite of mine.

I picked out 'Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back' and Edward started the movie for us. We snuggled under the blankets, eating and laughing our asses off. I was really glad that Edward and I were taking the time to reconnect after the weirdness of the last two days.

After the movie was over Edward asked me to take off my top and lay down on my stomach. I arched an eyebrow at him as he pulled a bottle of massage oil out of one of his bags.

"I thought we weren't spanking our monkeys together today?" I questioned.

Edward looked at me with an innocent expression on his face.

"I just want you to relax today Bella. No pressure, no expectations. I promise I will limit my massage to just your back. I'll even turn around while you get ready."

Edward was true to his word. He didn't look while I took my top off and he didn't try to cop a feel while he massaged my back. Feeling his strong hands rub the tension out of my back was causing tension elsewhere in my body. My nipples were tingling in anticipation and I could feel my panties getting wet. It was the most exquisitely frustrating massage I've ever had.

I was about to ask Edward if this massage could have a happy ending when he leaned over to whisper into my ear.

"I'm going to draw you a bath Bella. I could wash your hair for you if you'd like. There will be plenty of bubbles and I'll keep my eyes closed while you get in."

His seductive words combined with his warm breath tickling my ear sent a shiver down my spine.

"I'd like that very much Edward," I managed to squeak out.

Edward chuckled, grabbed a bottle out of one of his mystery bags and made his way to the bathroom. I heard the water start to fill our oversized bathtub as I got out of bed to take off my remaining clothes. He called me in when the water was ready.

I peeked around the bathroom door to find Edward sitting on the edge of the tub in nothing but his boxers. His eyes were closed. I quickly stepped past him and sank into the bubbles. They were soft and smelled like jasmine, violets and orange blossoms. I was in heaven.

Edward kissed my forehead, my nose and then my lips before having me lean back so he could pour some water over my hair. I moaned when Edward started working the shampoo through my hair. I heard him gasp. I looked down to realize that I had arched my back when I had moaned, exposing my hardening nipples to Edward's gaze. I noticed his boxers were tenting out in the front.

I grabbed some of the bubbles and covered my nipples with them. Then I used some bubbles to give myself a goatee. Edward just laughed and rinsed out my hair. He repeated his ministrations with the conditioner, and I repeated my nipple flashing. It's not my fault the man has magic fingers.

Edward was about to pull the plug to drain the bath when I stopped him.

"Edward, I think I'd like to return the favour and wash your hair. There are still plenty of bubbles and I'll close my eyes while you get in," I offered.

Edward drew in a deep breath and nodded a yes. Then he turned around. And sat there. Doing nothing.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"I'm turning around so you can get out of the bath Bella," he replied.

I giggled. "Edward, there is plenty of room in here for both of us. There's no point in me getting out and getting dressed only to get wet again washing your hair. Climb on in. My eyes are closed."

I'm not going to lie, I totally checked him out while he was stripping. He was one fine specimen of manliness. I was beginning to feel all tingly again.

I opened my eyes all the way when I felt Edward's entrance disturb the water. He was sitting as far away from he as he could in the tub with his knees pulled up to his chest.

"How do you want to work this Bella?" he asked, unsure of the logistics in this new territory we found ourselves in.

"You turn around, I'll sit up and you can lie back against me," I suggested.

I gasped as Edward manoeuvred himself into the predetermined position. His head was resting against my shoulder and his back was directly in contact with my breasts. My legs were wrapped around his hips. I turned my head and kissed behind his ear. We both moaned when I reached for the shampoo and my hardened nipples rubbed against his slick back.

I had him move down a little so I could pour water over his hair without getting it in his eyes. His eyes stayed closed while I massaged my fingers through his wet hair. We stayed in the same position after I'd rinsed his hair, enjoying our newfound intimacy.

A wicked smile crossed my face as I noticed the bath was beginning to lose its bubbles. I could see most of Edward now. His cock was hard under the water. It twitched slightly when I began to run my fingers through Edward's hair again.

My hands drifted down over his chest towards his erection. Edward's eyes popped open when I gripped his shaft with one of my wandering hands.

"What are you doing Bella?" he practically growled at me, thrusting his hips involuntarily.

"Today is about relaxation Edward. You said there would be no pressure, but it looks like you're quite tense in some areas. I just want to make sure you're fully relaxed. Besides, you can't jizz in my eye if you're underwater iand/i aimed away from my face."

I nibbled on his earlobe and pulled it into my mouth to suck it gently as I picked up the pace with my hand. Edward just moaned and continued to thrust his hips. I took that as my permission to keep going.

Edward wrapped his hand around mine and squeezed tight as we worked his length together. He was biting his lip and babbling syllables that didn't quite make words. I knew he was close. He was beautiful to watch.

He suddenly let out a loud curse and stilled our hands. He slumped back onto me, breathing as though he'd just run a marathon.

We helped each other out of the tub and dried ourselves off. Edward still had a glazed look on his face when he threw me over his shoulder and carried me to our bed.

He brought his lips to mine, kissing me softly, almost reverently at first. I drew his bottom lip into my mouth and nibbled gently on it. His tongue brushed over my lips and I opened to him. Our tongues met and caressed as Edward brought his hand to my breast, palming over my nipple. I moaned into his mouth and shifted my hips on the bed.

Edward kissed a trail over my jaw, down my neck. He used his tongue to trace my collarbones while rolling my nipples between his fingers. He moved his head lower.

I groaned and thrust my hips when I felt Edward draw one of my nipples into his mouth. He sucked gently while flicking the tip with his tongue. My hands threaded into his hair while he worshipped first one breast and then the other with his mouth.

I cried out when his mouth left my breasts and he began to kiss his way down my abdomen.

"Bella," he breathed, kissing lower towards the ache between my legs. "I can see you're still quite tense in some places. I would love to make sure you're fully relaxed. May I?"

I moaned and nodded. His eyes never left mine as he used his hands to spread the folds of my sex, exposing me to him fully. He inhaled sharply as he took a long, deliberate lick of my slit.

"You taste like heaven Bella," he said before taking my clit between his lips and sucking lightly.

Seeing Edward between my spread legs, feeling his hair brushing my inner thighs combined with the sensations he was causing with his mouth was almost too much for me. My hips bucked up and he used one hand to steady them. My head fell back in delight as Edward alternated between tracing circles around my clit with his tongue and sucking on it.

I could tell I was getting close to an amazing orgasm when my legs started to shake. Edward drew his head back and traced a finger over my opening. He looked up at me and I nodded my permission.

He eased one finger into my passage. My inner walls clamped down on him. It wasn't overly uncomfortable. Edward stroked in and out slowly, adding a second finger. He curled his fingers forward and sucked my clit at the same time. I screamed and swore and bucked wildly as my orgasm ripped through me. Edward kept sucking and licking my clit until I pushed his head away.

He drew his fingers out of me and licked them slowly. Seeing him enjoy my most intimate flavour, his face shining with my juices sent another bolt of lust through my system.

Edward began to kiss his way back up my belly and I twitched and giggled. I am quite a ticklish person, but this was beyond any sensation I'd ever felt. Edward just grinned at me and ran his hand up my arm to caress my cheek. That tickled like a motherfucker too.

Edward kissed me again. I could taste myself on his lips, but it wasn't a bad flavour. I could feel his erection teasing against my pussy.

"Bella, if you want to stop you have to tell me now. I want to be inside you so badly, but I'll understand if you don't want to try right now." His voice shook as he spoke.

I responded by kissing him and grabbing his ass. I arched my hips into him we both moaned. I took his cock in my hand and guided it to my entrance.

His arms shook with the effort of entering me slowly. I didn't scream or tense this time. I held my breath until he was fully sheathed inside me. He stayed still to allow me to adjust. I felt full, but it wasn't painful this time.

He was shaking and sweating, biting his lip in an effort to keep himself from moving before I was ready. I shifted my hips experimentally. It didn't hurt.

"Make love to me Edward," I breathed into his ear.

It was all the encouragement he needed. Slowly at first, he pulled back and thrust gently back in.

"God, Bella. You feel so amazing," he moaned, picking up the pace.

He reached between our bodies to stroke my clit with his thumb. His thumb was dry and it felt a little raw, so I drew his hand up and sucked his thumb into my mouth before returning it to my clit.

The combined sensations of his thumb and his cock stroking my sensitive flesh sent me spiralling over the edge again. I felt Edward pulse inside me as I clamped down on his cock.

Edward stayed on top of me as we fought to steady our heavy breathing. I could feel his penis begin to contract inside me. It was weird and amazing all at the same time. I giggled at the sensation.

Edward pulled out and rolled us over so that I was nestled into the crook of his arm. I looked up to see him break into a shit-eating grin. I knew I probably had the same look on my face but I couldn't resist teasing him.

"Feeling satisfied with ourselves are we?" I asked.

He smirked at me and kissed my forehead before replying.

"Bella, I just made love to the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am at a loss to describe just how amazing that felt. I'm also feeling grateful I didn't hurt you or blind you with semen this time.

"Besides," he continued. "You look pretty smug yourself love."

"Well I was going to make a smartass comment about me not going all Henry the Eighth on your peen with my hoohah this time...but then you go and say something about spending the rest of your life with me. When did you decide this?" I asked.

"I decided last night. Our first attempt at making love was such a disaster. Then I came home to find you trying to burn the house down. Not only did you unleash the entire fire extinguisher on the fire that I had just put out; you also hit me in the head with an empty bottle of Patron. Then you threw up down my back while I was carrying you up to bed.

"I realized that even after all of that I still wanted you more than anything. I want to come home from a shitty day at work to snuggle up to you. I want to have children with you. I want to get old and wrinkly with you.

"I'm not proposing right now. We've still got several years of school left. I'm just letting you know that I love you and someday down the road I will ask you to marry me."

I wasn't sure what shocked me more: Edward's profession of his intent to propose; or the fact that it was my vomiting on him that prompted the decision. I was super embarrassed about the puking though. Stupid tequila.

"I'm sorry I threw up on you," I whispered into Edward's chest.

My head bounced up and down on his chest as he broke out into laughter. He leaned down and kissed the tip of my nose.

"It's okay love. If I'm going to be a doctor I'm going to have to get used to randomly being covered in bodily fluids. I love you."

"I love you too Edward. Always."


End file.
